


pancakes

by Rag



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Flashbacks, Gen, Past Torture, Psychological Horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 08:59:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13384488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rag/pseuds/Rag
Summary: Natsuki struggles to make sense of things offscreen.





	pancakes

**Author's Note:**

> i really dont know how to tag this
> 
> basically i think natsuki is elyssa and wanted to explore that
> 
> cw: reference to piss in a torture scenario

You don't want to leave, you don’t want to be away from the club, you don’t want him to choose one of them. Choose me. Choose me. Spend time with me. Don’t make me go back. Pull me out of this. Please. Please help me. Don’t touch me- he’s talking to you, him, the safe one, he likes your manga.

He likes your manga. You can only read it when he’s around, over his shoulder. It’s your favorite manga. You missed it so much. It’s so happy and bright and beautiful. You wish your life were like that. You’re being selfish, making him read this just so you can experience it again, but you need it. And you know he’s patronizing you, that he’s only reading it because he wants to be nice to you, but he’s still reading it, he’s paying attention and asking you questions about it, letting you get close to him. It makes you embarrassed, it makes your heartbeat tick up. Maybe this could go somewhere.

He feels like freedom, somehow. Maybe this is what it feels like to have a crush on someone?

He says goodbye to you. That’s the end of your time together today. He’s gone before you can beg him to stay.

Why can’t you remember your father’s face? Images and sensations. You're too young, strapped down and screaming for help, but no one comes. The world looks so different from the one you know. A dream? You see the doctor watching as Renier slices into the thin flesh that covers your ribs. You scream, you feel cooling blood drip down your side as you try to thrash out of the bounds. 

 _What is the point of that?_ the doctor asks. _Do you have to do that to her? She’s just a child._ He doesn’t stop it, though. He never stops anything, he just watches and meekly asks his stupid questions, you hate him more than you hate Renier-

Literature club is starting, and he’s here again. And everything is alright.

"Hey, Natsuki. will you read my poem? I worked really hard on it."

He’s all you can think about. You’re so happy to think about him. You never want to stop talking to him. His poem is so cute, and you wonder if maybe he wants to date you? You’re really starting to wonder if he’s just writing these to impress you, but that just makes you flustered and excited. He seems like he might be real boyfriend material... not that you would ever tell him that!

And then he talks to her. He reads his poem to her, and then to fucking _her_ , and you start to think about your father, and his hands and

and you can’t remember his face, why can’t you remember his face?

You’re so hungry. You need to pee. You don’t want to piss yourself again. It wasn’t your fault, they laughed at you and called you dirty but you couldn’t go anywhere, it wasn’t your fault, and you didn’t want to be there-

"Great poems, everyone!" Monika says. "Let’s do the same thing tomorrow.”

“Fine,” you say. You’re not ready to leave. But it’s not up to you. It’s never up to you.

She sees what you’re writing (how? part of you is terrified by that, but you mostly don’t care. Monika is your friend and you trust her!).

Where are you?

 _Help Me_  
  
_blood running_  
_i wish i could_  
  
_too weak to stand_  
  
_nowhere to go_  
_bruised wrists and ground covered in snow_  
  
_where am i_  
_where am i_  
_where am i_  
_help me_

"That’s a little disturbing for right now," she says gently.

"Is it?"

"You’re tsundere moe. You’re comic relief. If you dump all this on him now, he'll get uncomfortable and leave. You can’t tell him this now. Not yet.” You want to cry, maybe she can see it on your face, you’ve never been good at hiding your emotions. “Later, though! Don’t worry, Natsuki. Don’t worry.”

"What? What does that mean? I’m tsundere moe?"

She smiles sweetly and hugs you. She’s warm, safe, she'll take care of you. 

"Don't worry about it, sis. It'll be okay. Just follow my lead, I’ll take care of you."

You can't refuse her. You don’t like that. You want the option. The cells of your brain, your body- why is your body like this, this is wrong- shriek in agony at being denied the choice to refuse her. How did she get here- no, you’re not worried about it!

She helps you write a new poem instead. _Write about the things you would like in your life_ , she told you, so you do.

 _Pancakes_  
  
_strawberries and ice cream piled atop pillowy pancakes_  
_whipped and fluffy_  
_3 minutes on high speed, stiff peaks, fold in liquids gently_  
_so light, would it fly away if i threw it?_  
_would it get gobbled up by a hungry bird?_  
_i won't let that happen._  
_never again._  
_it's mine_  
_you won't take it._  
_and it's delicious_  
_yum!_

"That’s so much better, Natsuki," she says softly. Being praised by her makes you feel warm. "Good job."

"Thank you." She starts to fade away. She’s going to leave you here, with him, with them, with the thoughts and... memories? It hurts, it hurts to remember, you can’t remember, you physically can’t. "Don’t leave."

She looks at you sadly, like she’s trying to decide something. _Please, decide to stay._ And she shakes her head.

"It'll all be okay, Natsuki. I'll make sure of it."

"Please don't leave."

"It's okay."

"Please dont leave me with him."

"Shhh. Don't worry. You’re safe now, really. How can you be scared of someone without a face?" 

You can’t think about that. You don’t know how to think about that. That seems like it should be meaningful, and you know it means something, but you can’t make sense of it.

“What? Why does- what does that mean? Monika? You're not making sense. What-”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry.” She looks disappointed. Why is she disappointed? What did you do wrong?

"Don't go. Why do you have to go?"

"To make sure we're all safe."

"Okay," you finally say, only because you know you can't change her mind. Monika has always been stubborn. 

She leaves   
and you’re scared again  
until tomorrow


End file.
